Thursday, November 24, 2011


Was typical, cold, dreary, drizzly, and alone. No one thought to come get me for dinner, I don't really blame anyone though, it's an hour drive each way. My one cousin who lives close by was too stoned to go get something to eat, I know, ironic. So I took myself to Panda Express. Came home, watched my shows (I love Happy Endings!) and read a chapter for school. I wanted to go see Breaking Dawn, but once I started walking, I just kept walking, and thinking.

I'm really hurt that my brother didn't come pick me up for dinner, I'm really hurt that my mom didn't TELL him to, like she has done with me in the past. I'm really hurt my mom had the AUDACITY to call me up and tell me how good everything was. WTF!!?? She told me she put leftovers away for me, and I just kinda flipped out on her. Told her this family sucks, when I'm doing good, everyone wants something from me, rides, money, favors, but now that I'm down and out on unemployment and going to school, suddenly I'm not worthy of an hour drive? A "go get your brother"?

Sorry, I'm acting like a spoiled brat, my feelings are just hurt. So after my rant she says "so you're saying you don't want your leftovers?". *sigh* I told her I don't care, my bro hasn't even texted me since he's been down to let me know if we're still on for Saturday, and me going back with them to pick up his car. I'm extremely hurt he didn't offer it back in April when my car died, but once again, he doesn't HAVE to, but I would have for him without a second thought.

Today's reflection while walking around, was wondering if I'm adopted. LOL! Seriously, I like to think I'm a good person, I always help others when I can, I TRY not to judge, I basically just try to do the right thing. And then there's my family, haha, how am I even related to them! They're nothing like me, they're gossipy, and judgmental, and will turn on you in a moment's notice! I mean I'm not even close to being perfect, but sometimes I wonder how I turned out like I did, and they are the way they are. I think it's exposure to life. I've seen things, I've experienced many things, I've traveled, I've taken chances, I've taken risks, I've lived. My family has been stuck. My brother has only lived 2 places (here, and a small town in Oregon) as an adult, and has had one job, my sister has never lived more than 20 miles from my parent's city. She's also a drug addict, and homeless, but that's a whole different post. My parents, well it was the rez, then Rapid City, then The Bay Area, then when where they live now, for the past 20 years or so. And my younger brother? Also, never left, lives in the next city over from my parents, and I think he's bipolar, we don't talk.

I think if you live in a small world, you will have a small mind. I'm sure that's not the general rule for everyone, but I think it applies to my family. Same with my California cousin's, all of them have never lived anywhere but here in Cali, most of them have only lived in a few places their whole lives. I've lived in 6 states and one other country! Haha. I dunno, they just kinda bummed me out today, my whole family, extended also.

I kind of want to tell my brother to shove it, and I don't need his car, and then figure something out for next term. I can't keep having the guys take me to and from school. They are great though for volunteering, and doing that. Heck my brother may even change his mind, and not let me use the car. If so I have a backup plan. My mantra is "I'll make it work". I always have, and always will.

So while today I'm supposed to give thanks to things I'm thankful for, like friends and family, F that. Haha, I only have me in this world, so I'm thankful for me and how I've never given up, how I haven't become a Native statistic like so many people I went to Jr. High with, and that despite all this crap right now, I still keep it positive. I'll always find a way, and I still believe in people...even the ones I want to disown. :p

I'm also thankful for the kindness of strangers, people I've never met who tell me they believe in me, or that everything will work out. My TwitFam, my blog readers, you are definitely my rock, my cheering section, and I thank you for your kinds words. Much peace and love, and I hope all of you had a great Thanksgiving!
;) peace


  1. Wow Lakota Leo.
    I am speechless right now. You are gonna be my inspiration when I don't believe in myself because if you can do all of that then I shouldn't give up as well.
    That is crazy man, I wish things were not like that.
    You seem like a really cool and genuine person, you are right, you deserve better.

    What other country have you lived in and why?

  2. @TM$ I lived in Germany, with an ex. Didn't work out, but I enjoyed the experience. ;) peace

  3. One day you will find someone that is right for you and then that will become your family. Keep being strong, your doing a great job being you and staying true (I know that sounded lame, sorry). There are good people still in this world (example: you), there will always going to be people that cares about you. Things will get better, give it sometime. Take care. Best of luck!

  4. Families, huh? Can't live with them, can't live without them.

    You know, I happen to think it's okay to not have to feel happy all the time. After all some of the greatest literature in the world is about sadness. Having the down moments means you can appreciate the up moments all the more.

    And you know, I reckon you are one seriously together guy. You're making your own destiny and it is going to have some downs and some pretty amazing highs. So hang in there and enjoy the ride of life!

    Woah was that a bit deep? Sorry if it was. Time to go find some purdy legs then.