Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Freaky ass weather...

...I am so inconsistent with this blogging thing. Anyways, last week in the middle of May it snowed like 7 inches in a few hours. In May. Snow. 7 inches. Ok see, in California in May I'm wearing shorts and wondering how many calories do I need to cut so that my wife beater fits, and I don't look the like wife with sagging boobs.
Here it seems that the weather just kind of goes on with no boundaries. The next two days after our "blizzard" were hot, like 80 degrees, so of course mounds of snow are melting and all the gutters are overflowing and you have your windows rolled down and sweating as you drive as these huge mountains of snow that had been plowed the day before and I'm like WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE! And then today, Thunderstorm. With Hail and Sleet. I swear if I see a funnel cloud I'm on the first bus/train/horse back to California. I'm looking outside because I'm convinced an 18 wheeler and a freight train had collided but the South Dakotans are telling me, um, that was Thunder. I'm like no, see Thunder is like a big boom (and they laugh because I guess one or more Californian had said boom in describing thunder). Thunder does not make the clock on your wall fall on to your desk or make your teeth hurt, that's a collision/explosion of some kind. So I'm staring outside and it's like 2pm but it's dark!! and I see little hail stones bouncing off my car hood and I'm just convinced that pretty soon those big huge hailstones are going to happen, you know like golf ball sized hail and they will totally annihilate my car. I can't afford to fix anything if my car dies, or, is murdered. I was told hail like that is rare and not to worry. I'm not worried, I just don't believe weather like this really exists. The sky is a mass of black and blue swirling clouds and lightning is blinding me and the thunder is making my fillings rattle and I'm convinced this is doomsday but I keep telling myself, it's sunny somewhere! It's sunny somewhere!!
Then the rain comes and it's like this tidal wave of water, not cute rain drops that you try and catch on your tongue but splashes of water that would surely take your jaw off if you were dumb enough to open your mouth. I look at my co-workers reading the paper or just chatting it up and I'm thinking, it'll be ok, no one is concerned and I look out the window and I see this trash can go blowing by and another thunder crack shakes the building and I finally go back into my office and start looking at live webcams of cities in California so I can be assured that this isn't the day that ends all days. Then it get's really quiet and I'm afraid to look out side because you know the whole eye of the storm thing and this is when the tornado will definitely strike. My office begins to become more illuminated (I never turn my light on and I'm basically in the dark as this point) and I turn to look out my windows and the clouds are fading away and the sun is coming out. In like 20 mins. it's 72 degrees with blue skies and sunshine. WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT!! Were we not just ready to board an Ark a few minutes ago??
I look outside and see our neighbors dragging their trash can back up the road and the bunnies are out eating the grass from the parking lot across the way and it's like it never happened. Well except for the river of water running through our parking lot, it was like a dream.
That sh*t just ain't right. In California, when it rains it rains for days and when it's nice it's nice for days! The Weather there doesn't play with your mind and get you all scared then serene in the span of like an hour!! Oh no, I need more consistency!! Not to mention it f*cks with your wardrobe because how you gonna dress yourself if you don't know how the weather is going to be? I mean I can't be wearing shorts in the morning and then a parka in the afternoon, it just clashes! What? Am I supposed to like have an emergency bag of clothes with me at all times? That's too much commitment for me, I need to know that when I wear shorts, I'm wearing those damn shorts for the next three months no problem or questions asked, don't mess with my head and freak me out and then have the sunshine come out with squirrels and bunnies playing, naw, f*ck that. Mother nature here needs to recognize that we all ain't mountain people and some of us believe that the sun should actually be up and shining for the whole day for days on end, it's called summer dammit! That's how it should be!

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