Saturday, April 24, 2010

Just for ME!

Do you love yourself? Okay, okay that may be a bit too deep, do you like yourself? I'm not talking do you like yourself in your fave pair of jeans or your hair color. Not your physical appearance, but I mean know, a person. I like me, not everything about me of course but when it comes down to it at the end of the day, I do like myself. I LOVE being me! For many reasons, one, is that I am such a ditz...I am! Don't get me wrong, I am also intelligent (except when trying to use correct grammar in a blog post, then I'm just lazy), but because I'm a ditz I can laugh at myself and I do everyday!!

Like last night, I post my post and I'm looking at it and I see the labels. Now, I always thought these labels were for ME to search my blog...which they can be but I don't think that was their main purpose. So I click hot guys and it brings up all my posts with the hot guys label, and I click Today's Weather and I click Blog and Random and before you know it I've spent about 40 mins, browsing my own blog! I'm not really reading the text part but just checking out the hot guys and the beautiful eyes and I'm really getting into it (not that!) but just the browsing experience when I stop and I say out loud,'s YOUR blog you've seen all this shit before! LOL, seriously for like a nanosecond, I forgot it was my blog. Or how I always claim I pick up new software really easily, yet it took me forever figuring out how to retweet from Tweetdeck! LOL Or videoing my car turning over 200k miles and can you hear the excitement in my voice? Dork, big time, love it, love me.

Now don't get me wrong I'm not Mr. Optimism 24/7 or even that often, I just really believe the world is wonderful and you don't have to look too hard to see that. I like being me because even though I say I suffer from anxiety/some OCD, I still don't let it rule me and I take myself out of my box more often than not. Like when I lived in S. Dakota and I bought a 1990 honda civic hatchback from my cousin with a racing clutch and souped up exhaust system. It had one of those big loud mufflers (yes I loved the car and hardly anyone else did) and it was pretty quick. I was always getting challenges at stop lights to race, which I declined, until one day when these two white boys pulled up next to me in a Mercedes. It wasn't a brand new Mercedes and I honestly don't know what they were thinking because I'm pretty sure it was an automatic and it's a's tank! Hello, I can flip my car over myself. So we are driving down this boulevard and at every light they would rev the engine and I'd let them take off squealing tires in front of me, like idiots. Then at one light I could have sworn I saw one of them mouth the word fag. I don't care if you call me a fag, you're an idiot...we're even. But for some reason, these smug white boys in a not totally brand new Mercedes mouthing that word, didn't sit right with me. So *I* revved at the light and they got so excited, now my cousin told me this tranny on the Honda will permit a double clutch and I was about to test that. I dusted them, they stayed with me until I DID double clutch from 2nd to 3rd and I was GONE BABY GONE! I laughed, made a right into the Piggly Wiggly and said "I fucking love me". LOL

Understand this is not a narcissistic love (or do all narcissistic say that?) I just really like me, I like how statistically from my background and where I come from growing up and the lifestyle, I should be dead. If not dead then almost dead from drug or alcohol abuse. Yet, I'm not. I like how I can kick it in the hood and feel totally comfortable or go to a fancy restaurant (and feel a "tad" out of my element) but hold my own in a conversation regarding world topics. I like how I do the right thing (or try to), like when I'm broke as hell, possible sleeping in my car for the night situation going on but I notice a $20 fall from a lady's pocketbook as she puts it back in her purse and I pick it up and say "excuse me miss...". I like how my family and friends (friend? that's another post about "friends") and all the variations they use with my name. LT, Leo, Leonard, Len, Leonard Todd...I can tell who it is just by the way they call my name and I love that. I like how when it comes to the "fight or flight" syndrome, I fight...I always fight. I like how when I get down it doesn't last for very long, I mean what's the point? It doesn't make Family Guy less funny, it just makes me a sucker and I need to realize it'll get better, it always does. I like how I can't hold a grudge, I can't! Oh I've tried, believe me, but I just don't have that personality. I mean I may not trust you the same or feel the same about you, but I'm probably not going to be mad at your or hold a grudge about 20 minutes after the altercation. Anger is exhausting and I really would rather move on. Now this one may seem a bit weird but if you think about it, it makes sense. I like how I control, who I have sex wait, think about it. Think of THAT person who sleeps with someone so they will like them, for the attention, because they want to be loved, because they want a boyfriend or a girlfriend, because of low self esteem. Fuck that, this is my body and I like my body (well not everyday but for the most part I'd hit this) and I think, I should choose...right? I like how I'm still a bit naive and still believe people when they tell me one thing but show me something else, it helps you grow as a person. The fact that the past two years have been anything but enjoyable while homeless, jobless (well the last 10 months), car is on last leg has no AC with summer coming so many negative things...and I'm not a dick. I love that the most about me. I'm not depressed, I'm not taking my "miserable" life out on anyone because I struggle but I still laugh and I'm still a dork and I like to think I'm still a good person who is somewhat ditzy. Like when I started at this film processing company when I was 18 and I walked into the restroom and almost peed in the sink. LOL yes, have you ever seen those huge round tall sinks with a metal bar at the base and you step on the bar and this sprinkling of water comes out from a metal bar up top. The purpose? So many people can wash their hands at the same time. Well I didn't see any urinals and it was a big restroom and they also had wall sinks and so I thought, um okay, we all pee in this thing? Alright, so as I unbuckle my pants I see this guy walk around the corner from a section of the restroom that I hadn't noticed, so I walked around the corner and there ya go, urinals. Can you imagine what if I had? Seriously.

Okay to be fair things, I don't like about me: Can be judgmental but usually within seconds correct that and say to myself "stop it". Um, I have this thing about fat people...non medical fat people, ya know people who just eat a lot. I have no compassion for them, if you can't love yourself then start by loving your body or at least respecting it and the rest will come. Women drivers, it's not a cliche!! I hate the fact that when my ass is broke with not a dime to my name, I do the right thing and give back that $20 that could have bought me some gas, maybe the Cosmos "meant" for that $20 to fall out in front of me and my simple ass is like "here you go". LOL Okay so those are a few things I don't really like about me, and I try and work on them, well not that last one. :)

The reason for this long ass post? 3 things, I want to be around other Wonderful people, I want Wonderful people in my life. In the past few years I've had to cut some people I thought were friends, but were not. I want people to start feeling Wonderful about themselves and if you're not, ask yourself why and work on changing that, it can be done. A few months ago when I was in Oregon visiting my brother I took myself out of my box (am I using this term right? is it my box or the box? LOL) see. Anyways, his daughter came over after school and he works graves and worked a double and was exhausted and went to bed around 4pm and told her to wake him up at 6pm to take her home (18 miles out of town) and then was to come back and go to bed and then wake up at 10:30pm for his shift. Uh, no, I'm there and I can take her back and that's what I told him. He said thanks bro and went to bed. So at 6 we got in the car, it was dark, storming and I can't really see that great at night and I was nervous and a bit scared which in turn scared me about myself and my hesitation. The fear factor was the half mile winding, narrow road up to my nieces house, in a stick (my bro's car because my car's headlights are horrible). So we get to the road and I start sliding, not horrible, but I'm not driving the stick like I should. My niece is like "can you make it up" and I was instantly offended! Well duh, I grew up driving a stick in the SF Bay Area! This crappy little Oregon hill is not going to stop me! And I did, I made it up that hill shifting/downshifting in the rain like a pro and came down the hill the same way. It energized me, that simple feat, I doubted myself when there was no need.
Finally, today. I don't like to get up early, I very much dislike it! As I posted earlier my aunt has this annual block garage sale and my parents always go and this time they have no car and I said take mine no problem. Well my dad hinted he wanted me to go and I hadn't seen my Aunt Pat since I was a teen or my cousin and last night I was thinking, maybe I will go. 6:00a.m. this morning my mom comes storming into the living room where I'm sleeping "are you going or not, we're leaving in 30!" damn, I looked up at the ceiling and said, fuck it, I can do this. So I did, had a great day did everything right and by that I mean, just be a good person, a good son, a good nephew. I know there are other people in my situation depressed and pissy and bitchy and "woe is me" but it doesn't make any sense to me. I mean when you're swimming in all that mess, how can you give anything else out there to the world? In any case, my Aunt Pat had a table with expensive earrings on it and every time she walked away I would go and sit at the table and she would always come back and thank me because she keeps forgetting she has expensive earrings on there. I head rummage sale people can be shady. I loaded and unpacked junk for my parents and helped my other aunt pack up when she was ready to leave and I brought my parents water and my mom tissues for her allergies because they couldn't really leave their tables when it was busy. I watched tables when I needed to and basically, just did what I was supposed to do and none of this was asked from me. They are my Elders. When I was packing up my aunt's pickup I heard my Aunt Pat say "Leonard Todd is such a help, he's always helping...such a good boy". LOL, soooo far from being a boy but it made me feel good. Here is where I hope you change your thinking from thinking "he just wants a pat on the back" to what I really mean. MY life is miserable! LOL it is, it really is, from hotel/motels to sleeping on my parents couch to eating once a day, jobless, homeless, I mean really! Yet, I'm not miserable...I'm still me and I still am a good person and that is why I LOVE being me because that's not JUST me, that's God too, or a higher power or whatever you believe in, let's call it faith. I do have bad moments, I do! Those are just moments though and they are small compared to what this Wonderful world has to offer, embrace it.

On that note, here is why the post title is called Just for ME! You must exit this blog now because these are some of my favorite pics from my blog and they are just for me!! Damn, let me have mine! LOL Okay fine. Enjoy! ;) peace

1 comment:

  1. The artistic sheet shot - I like! They'll all great, but that one I really like.

    Friends. Yes.