The Truth Comes Out..

...I don't think I'm happy here. Ok, I know I'm not. Everything is different now, it's like I got away and recouped and centered myself and now that I'm back...I find why I had to do that in the first place. Family, friends, the stress and hustle and bustle...it's a lot. Don't get me wrong I'm glad to be out of South Dakota, but maybe I should have picked someplace else, like Denver, or Seattle or something. Since I've been back I've accumalated a lot of debt, I've had two panic attacks (ok! thought I was having a heart attack, but I used to have them in the early 90's so I knew what they were, I just used to be able to stop them before.) Not feeling as close to my family anymore, I mean I love them dearly, but they wear me out. As for friends, I love my friends but as time went on, we all spread out. So like, what the hell am I doing here? Ooohhh MONEY...yeah, I make very good money...yeah that's it...hmm...and by the time I pay everything off, I'll be just old enough to buy me a retirement share in Florida. Shit. Ok so I'm not depressed, but I am unhappy. People get those two confused, if you are depressed, I'm assuming it's hard to change that or make it better, you feel powerless. If you are unhappy...well, make yourself happy, change your environment, your job, your partner...your life. I would think that applies to depression also, but the friends I have who take meds for depression say it's not that easy. I have "moments" when I think I'm depressed, but honestly, sunshine flows outta my ass normally and I don't think I've been depressed since 1996 when the German bastard and I broke up and before that...high school...cliche~ I know. So my problem now is...what do I do? I promised my roomie six months of staying here so she can pay off her bills, don't know if that will happen but I promised. Although she is chomping at the bit to take off herself to Tracy, CA (OK!) no one moves to Tracy at will...out of necessity (like if you commute to the Bay Area) maybe but not like...I am SO moving to Tracy! ;-) Also, my job I have now, well the project ends in Feb. which is perfect timing because that will be my six months, so I'm trying to think of what I do after that? I really want to go to bartending school (don't laugh) but it could be good money and hello...it's a bar! On one hand, it's something I want to do, on the other hand I have people telling me I'm to smart to do that job and to finish my degree. Honestly, though? I really am not into working the 8-5 in an office anymore, or wearing slacks and button up shirts and all that. My favorite job was when I became a waiter, seriously. I quit a job as a Regulatory Analyst and became a waiter, oh my parents weren't thrilled but I was A LOT happier. It's like I can be successful in business, but would rather punch a time clock... OK!Ok I just scrolled up and realized this is the longest and most personal posting I've ever done.
I actually feel better now, I was on the way home from my parents place tonight (a two hour drive, after work, in rush hour traffic) and I really needed to vent and blow off some steam...but how? My friends are sick of me saying I think I made the wrong move so I couldn't talk to anybody about it, and then I thought of my blog. MY blog, it's mine I should be able to write what I want right? Oh yes, I love posting hot guys but at the same time I could also have a cathartic experience posting what I'm going through, so...I think I will. The blog, from here on, may be tweaked a bit but I think I need to do it for me, damnit it has to be about me! LOL ;-) So on that note, here are some cute guys...albeit sad guys...but kind of like me. ;-)peace





and of course, I couldn't upload all the pics I wanted to, stupid blogger! Oh...well it is Friday the 13th~!