Coming out.

One thing that I've noticed is that there are A LOT of gay blogs, with pics of hot men (including mine) talking about gay rights (mine, not so much)and a bunch of other stuff, but have you ever read a coming out story on a gay blog? I'm positive that there are plenty of gay blogs with coming out stories, I guess I'm just going to the blogs with hot men. LOL
Are coming out stories even relevant anymore to young people? Well I wanted to post mine, it's not dramatic or anything (well okay there are a COUPLE of moments, but compared to others...)but I thought I would share my story. I often feel like I'm blogging for others and I forget, this is my blog. So this post is for me, to share with you. Oh and no, this blog is not going all touchy feely, there will be hot men, posts of football and other random shit on here soon! lol Enjoy! ;) peace
oh and thanks to my Sexy Muse for the inspiration to post this.

I came out to myself and my cousin when I was 13, literally days after I turned 13. I didn't have any angst about it, no gray areas and no confusion...it was a very matter of fact coming out. Which is funny because I'm not really that black and white in my decision making! It went something like this...on the phone with cuz:

Me: Cuz, I think I'm gay.
Cuz: You think so, why?
Me: I'm attracted to boys, not girls, always have been. Would you be cool if I was?
Cuz: Of course.
Me: I'll think about it tonight and let you know tomorrow.
Cuz: Okay

I thought about it in bed that night and realized that yep, I was gay. First thought...wow I'm a fag, I'm who those people talk about when they call that boy at school a fag. Second thought...fuck it, I am what I am and I want don't want to look back on my life and regret not being who I am. Gotta go visit cuz after school tomorrow!

That was it, I feel so bad for so many gay men who just went through hell and back coming to terms with their sexuality or coming out. Have you seen Prayers for Bobby? I haven't seen it, but I read the book and man...to have that much self hate is just...mind boggling. I bawled all the way through that book!

At school the next day I was looking forward to coming out to my friends but I didn't want to tell them yet, I wanted to tell my cousin first. I went and told her after school and we talked about who was hot, I forget who I brought up but she brought up George Michael...she loved him! I told her he was gay, *I* knew even back then. lol I told some friends the next day at school and that was it. I was very lucky, I didn't lose one friend over coming out and actually made some new friends. That was high school.

Adult life was a bit different, I never felt comfortable coming out to my parents, we had only been in California for a few months when I came out in high school. We are from South Dakota originally (like all Lakota people are) :) and I was the first generation not born on the rez (reservation). So um, yeah, being gay and telling my parents just didn't really sit well with me. Their mentality was just not the same as the world we were living in now (SF Bay area). Hell, I was adjusting..I wore cowboy boots to school the first week! I think they knew though, my dad (used to be a drunk) once woke me up when I was 12 after a night of drinking and kept asking me if I was a queer. Actually, I was questioning that myself at the time, but didn't feel it would be in my best interest to share that info in that particular moment. I believe that is the ONLY time I have ever denied being gay. In high school, if I was asked, I always responded with a very calm and somewhat arrogant...yes. So sometimes a fight happened but that was okay, hello, I may not have been born on the rez but basically grew up on one...been scrapping my whole life. I'd like to say I won more than I lost...I was fighting with my heart.

I had just turned 21 when I "came out" to my family, I put that in quotes because it was more like my closet door got ripped off. I was coming home from work about 10 o'clock on a Saturday night, I pull up in front of our house and my brothers were outside with these big sticks in their hands. They came rushing to the car with these freaked out looks on their faces and I could hear my parents arguing in the house, first thing I think of is my mom so I'm ready to jump out of the car when my brother Bill tells me to go, to drive away. I was like what the hell is going on?? Turns out my dad came home drunk, started telling my mom I'm not welcome in the house because I'm a queer and when I come home from work he was gonna kick me out. That's why my brothers had the sticks, in case he got violent. How cool was that of my brothers? I'm still very close to Bill (where I'm visiting now in OR) but the younger one...we don't really talk, not because I'm gay but because...well I think he's bipolar. ;)
I was going to get out and just confront my dad but my brother kept pushing on the door, so I just left and I was pissed. I was 21 damn years old, and too old for this shit. I stayed with a friend and didn't go home for like 4 days and just ignored my mom's calls at work. I made the decision that they didn't have to LIKE the fact I was gay, but they would have to accept it...accept me. If not, I would have to cut off all ties because I can't live a lie, not even for them and I can't be who I am at certain times and some thing I'm not at other times. That's a very hard decision for anyone who comes from a close family, but coming from a Native family...it's kind of unheard of. I think a lot of minority groups are like that though. In any case, I finally talked to my mom...she said my dad feels bad and for me to come home. I did come home and me and mom had the heart to heart, my dad I never talked about it until a few years later (in a bar of course, that's where a lot of dads and sons bond lol) and that was it. All my relatives had no problem with it and come on...everyone had to have known.

So other than a couple blips with my dad (which was to be expected), I've haven't had much issues with coming out, being gay or being out. I have brought partners over for Thanksgiving and the whatnot. It's not a big deal and now since I'm unemployed and with no perm residence, my mom (and a few other family members) are suggesting a sugar daddy. *sigh* really? I am way too old for that! LOL (and for anyone getting in a huff, no I wouldn't do something like that).

My mom needs to quit watching cable!! LOL

So I would say I'm blessed, I've never lost any friends or had any relatives who didn't talk to me because of being gay. I really feel for people who are in the opposite boat though and get kicked out and all that. My dad's initial decision to kick me out was based on fear because it was so unknown to him but after he sobered up, he realized that regardless...I am his son...no matter what. And yes, he actually said those words to me. ;) peace